We were on Boracay in the Philippines. We started in a bar with the football on. Jim didn’t fancy the football so had stayed in, but our friend Nash had joined us. When the game finished we headed to the bars on the beach. After a few drinks we found ourselves in Epic, where we stayed. There we tried making it with the ladies. No luck, not even close. I remember looking at this one group of girls thinking “WOW! LOOK AT THEM!” By then, they were probably the only girls we hadn’t tried making it with. We stayed clear and got rejected a few more times before deciding to call it a night.

Walking back to the flop, there were two girls following us, two girls from THAT group of girls! They caught up to us. I couldn’t believe it, a couple of class broads like that were approaching us! Well. I tried putting honey into my voice but only succeeded in slurring. It didn’t seem to matter as they came all the way back to our room. They lay down on the wood floor as we got into bed and one of them pulled out a laptop from her bag and put on 28 Days Later, which I thought was unusual. Then we went to sleep.

I was woken abruptly by a banging on the door. One the girls had climbed into the bed next to me and I was uncomfortably hot.

What the…?

It was the owner, calling us.

“SHIT! WE CAN’T LET HIM SEE THESE GIRLS!”

We bungled them into the bathroom then I went over to the door and opened it. The first thing I noticed was five pairs of flip flops on the step, including a pair of purple wedged ones and a pair of sparkling pink ones. Uh oh, I thought, we’ve been made.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to move out.”

“Oh… right.”

“We’re fully booked for the next few nights sorry.”

“Oh. Ok. We’ll get our stuff together.”

We got our stuff together and Boxhead, who’d also slept on the floor because he didn’t want to disturb Jim in the other room, went to get his stuff and wake Jim.
Jeff and I waited in reception for them, in the same spot where two days earlier we’d chatted to the owner and his young wife, who we now stood in front of GLOWING with shame. We’re not nice guys after all. For some reason the girls were still there. Jim came out looking confused.

We decided to try the hostel next door. Jim and I went ahead to check availability. I filled him in on the way: “WE DON’T KNOW WHO THEY ARE!” The hostel had a couple of rooms available and the price wasn’t too bad so we told the man we’d be back and went to tell the others. They were happy.

The girls came with us. The proprietors of our new place didn’t seem to mind. It was already boiling hot which wasn’t helping.

Jeff and I were sharing again and everybody gathered in our sitting area, where we made small talk with the girls. It was all very pleasant. Actually, no it wasn’t. Really I just wanted them to leave so I could get back to bed with Jeff. One of the girls was LOUD. The other one she said was her younger sister. She was mute, and might have been simple (to be politically correct). She stretched out on the sofa like a cat.

Then Jeff and Jim went out for breakfast leaving Boxhead and me with the girls. Boxhead left to go to the toilet. When he walked back in, 30 seconds later, the Mouth was giving me a back massage on my bed.

“IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!”

He turned in the doorway and walked back out and the Mute got up and followed him. The Mouth started telling me things, things like how she had poor suckers all over the world sending her money. She already intimidated me and now she was scaring me. I’m not sure why. Maybe it was that hangover vulnerability I get, this overwhelming feeling that I have some portion of the meaning of things, it’s not all closed out anymore. She got up, walked over to the door, locked it and closed the curtains. Oh my god. I had spent all night trying to get some and now I had some I didn’t want it. She climbed back on the bed. I clammed up, tried to be a man in a cave. Stall her, I thought, until Jeff comes back. Lovely, non-threatening Jeff. The trouble is I can’t switch it off just like that. I’m so damned smooth my empty-headed chatter only served to entice her more. DAMN! The door was locked. There was no help coming.

“Uh… I’m just going to the bathroom.”

“Ok.”

I locked myself in there for a good five minutes, panicking. WHAT CAN I DO? (other than that) Then I thought I’d better go back out there. She was still there.

“Shall we see what the others are doing?”

“Ok.”

Boxhead was sat on his bed with the Mute and the door was open. He gave me a look. I shook my head vigorously.

It was shortly after the girls finally decided to go, but they said they’d return in an hour to hang out. My God, I thought, she’s targeted me. I’m doomed. She’s going to take all my money. I’ll be just another poor sucker. There’s nothing to it.

Boxhead and I didn’t know what to do. An hour was TOO SOON! I couldn’t clear my mind because I was already panicking. We required a little more time to THINK!

I ran after the girls and caught up to them just as they reached the road.

“Girls!” They looked shocked and uneasy, which made me uneasy. I’m on to you, I thought. “We’re both tired so we’re going to go to bed for a bit. Can you leave it longer than an hour?”

“Ok.”

I walked back, feeling a bit better. Just then, Jim and Jeff came back from breakfast.

“Where are the girls?”

“They’ve only just gone, AND THEY’RE COMING BACK!”

“Boxhead, get your stuff together, we don’t have to be IN when they do!”

Jim said he’d come with us. Jeff said he was staying in.

“OK, BUT LOCK THE DOOR AND DON’T ANSWER IT FOR ANYONE UNLESS YOU’RE SURE!”

I showered, got my stuff and we went. We spent the day on a quiet section of beach, far away from the crowds and the town to reduce our chances of being spotted, and the sand was soft, soft, and the sea was warm and clear. Then walking back we stopped in a beach bar and watched the sun set. It was perfect.

I walked into my room

“WHERE THE FUCK OF YOU BEEN?”

“Hiding. Why? What’s up?”

“THOSE TWO GIRLS CAME BACK AND JUST WALKED IN HERE, THEY JUST WALKED IN! AND THEY WOULDN’T LEAVE AND I SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY WITH THEM WALKING ABOUT LOOKING FOR YOU AND I FELT LIKE EVERYBODY WAS LOOKING, THINKING ‘Ooooooh, look at him …THE DIRTY PERVERT!!!’”

“Well, we’ve had a lovely afternoon. And we told you to lock the door.”

After that, we decided we needed a secret knock, but they didn’t come to our door again. We did see them out, once, briefly, but that was it. I remember the Mouth telling me they were due to fly home a day or two later. I guess that’s what they did.